Gay wedding check-list 1

So after working through a wedding magazine's checklist and the then-realised dire need for a gay checklist, I decided to draw a few up. Here is the first.

How to ensure people know they're at a gay wedding

1. Organise Christians to stand in the parking lot with signs saying "God hates fags". You know you're cool when you have protesters.

2. Have a celebrity at the wedding. It doesn't have to be a real celebrity, someone dressed as one while lip-syncing to a song will do.

3. Have feathers. Everywhere. Nothing says gay like feathers.

4. Do not have candles on the tables. With the amount of cologne and hairspray in the room, people will be set on fire.

5. Ensure the MC clearly explains where guests sit during the ceremony. Friends and family of the top on the left, friends of the bottom on the right. Versatile couples shouldn't have a centre aisle...

6. Make sure you have a song to walk down the aisle to. It has to be Madonna or your wedding will be disastrous. People expect you to play the Queen. Do not use an ABBA track. You want to build up to the faaaaaaaaaabulousness slowly. Just saying.

7. Weep. Gays cry. And everyone else will. Nothing says a fantastic wedding more than smudged mascara.

8. Do not get drunk. Your parents are already traumatised. They do not need to see you in full flap.

9. Do not let the best man get drunk, especially if he's giving a speech. Your parents are already traumatised and don't need to know about how many people you've slept with.

10. Make sure you invite rich people, even if you hardly know them. They'll buy expensive presents.