Response to concern part two

My blogpost Response to concern still receives comments since it was written last July. I think it's because it's the first listed gay-Christian post on the right - and those comments have often given me fuel for thought. One comment made me quite angry - it's still there (imploring the gays to change and begging us to listen to him/her) - and some others have made me feel supported and encouraged. The gay posts have always been to create dialogue, so I accept other people have different opinions. I just hate the attitude that says "I am right and you are wrong". A book called God is Not Great (while not something I buy into) does explore the reality that fundamental religious thinking has been the cause of a lot of pain in this world. Your way of reading the bible is different to mine. We believe in the same Holy Spirit so I'll let Him guide me, just like He does you (okay?).

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnyyyywwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaayyyyy...

That was not meant to be the point of this post (but I have to keep the name Rambler alive somehow!). The point is that I received a (very close-to-home) comment on the post very recently. It was one of those comments that take your breath away because of how personal and honest it is, and how illuminating it is to the consequences of your actions. In this case, mine. A quick summary to contextualise the comment - I was a youth pastor (in my twenties) at a Methodist Church for just over three years. I loved it (still miss it) and was the time I was fighting myself the most. Being gay and a pastor were apparently incongruous and I was doing everything I could to fight it and change it.

Here's the comment (edited slightly):

Rambler, the world is very small. A friend of a friend of a friend on twitter mentioned you - had a squizz, and wallah. I knew you back in your days at [the Methodist church]. Had I known then, what you were struggling with, I would have tried to listen. I was kind of annoyed really at the time - you constantly denied being gay. I was annoyed, because you were lying [discovered this later]. The lying annoyed me more than anything. I wish I had known of your angst and worry, so I could have helped. People who TRULY believe, and who are TRUE Christians, love ALL...no matter what. A friend recently got ex-communicated from his church, because he was divorced. Yes, while this is not part of the "plan", how is that loving each other as God has loved you? Naah. Loving God with all you have is what is important - he really is the only one that can "judge" - and I believe his judgement is based on your "good person-ness" and your love for Him, not your sexual preference! What some straight people do behind closed doors is FRIGHTENING.....they should be quivering :P

The youth ministry was a large one and the relationships I had with the teenagers (who I was hardly older than) were varied - some I met with often, while others were just part of the Sunday evening meetings (there were about 400 teenagers each Sunday). This comment made me sad because the last thing I wanted to do was lie to any of these guys who I really did love. If I wasn't in ministry I'm not sure about the kind of guy I would have become - I lived for Sundays.

That said, I'm not sure that I did lie. I don't recall denying being gay. I don't recall being asked outright. I remember people telling me that they thought I was gay when they met me and I would usually just smile and say I got that often (while having a full-blown internal panic attack). The reality was that I didn't believe I was gay. I was going through the ex-gay ministry and part of my healing was accepting I wasn't gay but sexually broken and struggling with same-sex attractions. Saying I was gay meant I was living the gay lifestyle, which I was trying my best not to. So I don't think I was lying. I wasn't open about it - being open about it would have meant my job would be at risk (to this day I would be denied should I apply to be a Methodist minister, even though for a long while it was all I wanted to be, because I'm gay) and that people might be afraid to have their teenagers in close proximity to me for fear of me doing something or "converting" them. My openness about my sexuality and struggle with it would have meant that God would have been lost. He was the focus. Sharing my struggle would have meant that that would shift - somethingI would never have wanted.

I apologise to anyone who was hurt by what they perceived as me lying. I wish I could have been more open - believe me. I long for a day where people in the church can be open about their sexuality and their struggles without any judgement - somehow it seems silly to be longing for it when, in essence, it should be what the church is best at.

I recently heard of a friend I studied with who committed suicide. I never knew him well, and only heard later that part of his struggle that led to his death was his struggle with being gay and being in his particular religious context. That broke my heart and is why I write this blog. Not only to stop people who are coming to terms with their sexuality from harming themselves to avoid it, but to stop people hurting those who need to accept something they never chose.

I've said a lot in this (and I want to thank Cazpi for being so honest in her comment). I also want to say that while people were annoyed with me when they heard, I was annoyed by the way it was discovered I was gay by people in the church and they way it spread as gossip does. I understand it - I wish I had been closer to confront it and chat people through it. I would hate to think that people would have left the church thinking I was a hypocrite or had lied to them. I would do it very differently if I had the chance to. Hopefully this blog is a small step in healing the hurt that was caused.