So! Ricky Martin has come out! Who would have thought? Ricky Martin? Gay? Nooooooooooooo!
Miss(ter) Martin, we knew you were gay before you knew she bangs. The moment you admitted your obsession with Madonna, we all turned to each other with a knowing smirk. When we saw you working out on the beach (fag in hand), we knew. No straight man wears a speedo on a public beach. Gay men, well, it's a uniform. No entry unless your budgie is smuggled (and preferably in full view).
We all knew when you adopted twins. You're a fine looking man. Any woman in her right mind would breed with you. I know a lot of men that would die trying. Ahem...
So, for those of you who are in the closet and would like to keep it shut a bit tighter than Miss(ter) Martin did, here are ten important lessons for you.
How to stay in the closet without everyone knowing:
1. Never admit to liking Madonna. In fact, do not even acknowledge knowing a song of hers. You will have to fight the urge to whip your hands in the air and snap as soon as her songs come on, but fight you will. That closet doesn't come with a lock, you know.
2. Never do a song with Christina Aguillera. Just saying.
3. Do not wear a speedo. You may anonymously take a pic of your headless, speedo-wearing body and paste it on gay dating sites. Married men do it all the time.
4. Do not be in a speedo with other men wearing a speedo, unless you are Ryk Neetling.
5. Never sing in Spanish. Ever.
6. Never adopt kids unless you have a valid reason to. Or if you are married to Angelina Jolie. That's fine...
7. Never ever, and I mean ever, wear tight pants while shaking your hips as you sing. Gay men have notoriously good rhythm and their bums are important to them, so hence the innate ability to shake them well. Few straight men get the dance gene.
8. Never be better looking than everyone else. That's just mean. And every man you meet will be trying to get you out of that closet. Their reasons may vary from man to man.
9. Do not cry about the impoverished people you came across on a help mission while you are on the Ellen show. You may only cry if Ellen gives you a car. Anything else is just gay.
10. Do not refuse to answer questions about your sexuality. Nothing says gay than someone refusing to say. Just lie. We all did.
10 comments:
when i was in high school i had such a sick crush on him. I always knew....
now, just to figure out how to let him know that i am the man of his dreams. He just does not know it yet :)
someone on twitter said that his closet had a glass door... it was kinda obvious, wasn't it?
it is sad that he felt the need to deny it so long, though...
Wozz... you weren't the only one with a crush on him. just wish I could say I was in school. Ahem.
Jacks - yep, the denial thing is sad... indicative of so many things...
I have a friend in the entertainment industry in LA who also chooses not to acknowledge his sexuality publicly. However the entertainment industry, particularly in the US, despite claiming that they are liberal, open minded & all-embracing are really just the opposite, so even though we all knew, it really is a very courageous move on his part & I applaud it.
Clive, I had a good giggle at your post and I can appreciate the humour (and I've had a few good laughs at some of the funny & original Twitter comments this morning), but to those who take a vindictive stance, choose not to mock the person but rather the industry.
loving it! :) super duper post!
I hear ya Karl... and agree. i have a huge amount of respect for what Miss(ter) Martin has done. Jacki's comment alluded to the sadness that he did have to hide it for so long. The sad thing is that his refusal to answer the questions about his sexuality probably hurt his career more than anything...
Sad that he was in a catch 22... good point, and glad you raised it here Karl. I'm avoiding anything heavy - which doesn't mean you shouldn't...
I agree, I think it has hurt his carreer, but we can support him by buying his new english studio album, his first in 5 years, which is being released in the next few weeks.
I believe the tide is turning...
Very funny post! It's not surprising that it's taken Ricky so long to come out though; given the rising ratings of the FOX news network. It's so damn conservative on that side of the planet. CNN's ratings have taken a dip, so I really shouldn't hold my breath anymore waiting for Anderson Cooper to come out...
rambles - werent you 45 and shaking your bon bons when the
Rickster was mainstream? At least you can say you followed his early Menudo days when you were in university......
I also had the Ricky crush. You might have to fight me for him Woz.
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